What We Do in the Shadows’ vampire gangs, ranked by who’d be the chillest hang

In the ninth episode of this season of What We Do in the Shadows, our dumb but lovable Staten Island vampires must flee vengeful vampire gangs after they accidentally murder vampiric leader Jerry. It’s an homage to Walter Hill’s 1979 cult hit The Warriors, which follows a New York City gang wrongfully accused of murder trying to make it home to Coney Island while gangs chase them across the city.

The episode also introduced a whole world of vampire gangs with more prime real estate than Staten Island. Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin are a fun, bumbling group, but if I’m going to be a vampire, I want to spend my immortal life somewhere other than Staten Island. Now armed with a whole Rolodex of vampire gangs, I’m doing some preparations for my afterlife and figuring out which of them I’d most want to join up with. Y’know, just in case.

This is probably the most horrific concept the show has come up with in all six seasons. As someone who regularly gets pulled aside for “random searches” and as someone who loathes the JFK Airport (LaGuardia for life), it would go against every fiber of my being to join their ranks.

When I was in high school, I genuinely thought that people didn’t party, because no one ever invited me to a party that didn’t involve parents ordering pizza and games of Super Smash Bros. That being said, even if I was also a vampire, these girls would eat me alive, literally and metaphorically.

Similar to the above, yet I like to think the Hampires will at least pretend to be polite to my face. Still, the idea of them gossiping about me when I turn my back is terrifying, and it would inflict a lot of psychic damage upon me.

I like these fellas, because they’re a nice nod to the baseball gang in the original Warriors. However, I am not good at baseball when it is not on the Wii, so while I appreciate how snug the pants on baseball uniforms are, I do not think I would have a fun time with them.

They are hip and beautiful… I would want them to like me, but I’m not sure I’d ever feel like I belong because they are so stylish and fashionable and I wear Lightning McQueen Crocs around the house. Still, they do seem nicer than the other elite vampire gangs, so I wouldn’t count them out.

They hang out in graveyards! I like graveyards. But also, I don’t know if I would vibe with their whole rotting, undead thing. While I appreciate the dark aesthetic, there’s a little too much decay going on with their look for my personal preferences.

I’m really bad at carnival games, but I think I would have a fun time being the person who runs the carnival games. I do like amusement park rides, and I’d like them a lot more if I was a vampire who was already dead and therefore could not die on the Cyclone.

I like the beach! However, after growing up in Florida, I don’t know if I would ever actively choose a New York City beach. Still, I feel like these vampires and I would get along, even if they can’t really enjoy the beach in the daylight. What do they do, surf in the dark?

OK, now we’re getting into an aesthetic look I can get behind. I’d slide from goth into punk for these vampires. We’ll rock out and look great doing it.

Similar to the above, but the leatherette vampires appear to all be hot ladies — which is why they’re softly edging out the normal punks. For reasons.

This is just my first apartment building in Bushwick.

It appears that these vampires get their name because they spend most of their time as bats. And honestly, if I was a vampire, I would spend most of my time flying as a bat. They know what’s up!

A vampire gang that dresses in extravagant costumes and fights with choreographed dance routines? This is basically the theater kid vampire trope, and I want to be part of it so badly. Musical theater and romantic goth vibes are a match made in heaven (hell?). Let me in! I’ll play any part you want! I’ll learn all the dance routines! We can see Wicked together for the 1,000th time and eat anyone who gets mad at us when we sing along. Please, please, please, please let me hang out with y’all.

New episodes of What We Do in the Shadows air Mondays on FX at 10 p.m. EST and stream on Hulu the next day.