The hottest hardware release of the year is finally here, and it's this Texas Instruments TI-84 Evo graphing calculator

Oh sure, we'd love to see some RTX 50-series Super variant graphics cards. Or a huge crop of OLED monitors for reasonable prices. But I feel confident in saying that, in a relatively slow year for hardware releases so far, nothing is going to top this TI-84 Evo graphing calculator.

I mean, it's magnificent. Not just an upgrade, as Texas Instruments puts it, but an Evo-lution (via Engadget). Albeit an evolution of one of the most humdrum devices I've ever been forced to use.

Maths was never my strong point at school, but occasionally I was given the clever kid's calculator to do my sums with—presumably to remind me of my place in the universe, and to instil an overwhelming sense of inadequacy that would follow me for the rest of my life.

I'd have given my right arm to get hold of this one, though. It comes in an array of bright colours, it's got 50% more graphing space (so you can "see more math at once", obviously), a three times faster processor than the previous model, and USB Type-C charging. Phwoar, cor, and blimey.

It also costs $160 if you want to buy one individually, although schools can apparently contact TI for bulk prices. That makes it a pricey bit of hardware, given it lacks the ability to do anything other than hardcore maths—but Texas Instruments says that's the point.

"As schools nationwide ban cell phones, parents sue social platforms for addictive content, and researchers warn against student over-reliance on technology, educators are re-evaluating classroom technology use," says the company.

"Texas Instruments continues to say no to classroom distractions and yes to intentionally built technology designed for student success," the mission statement continues. "Designed for today's math classrooms, the TI-84 Evo delivers the math features and hardware teachers trust, with a distraction-free learning experience—grounded in TI's 35-year commitment to education."

Basically, put down your phones with your Instagrams and your Snapchats and your kooky TikToks, kids. It's time to lock in to the world of the TI-84 Evo, and we're here to do some maths. Who can reasonably argue against such conviction? I want one, just so I can put it on my desk and look like I do physics for a living.

Or that I'm well overdue on my term paper and everyone's very angry with me. One of the two. Yes, I've ended this article with a brief glimpse inside my nightmares. Nice.