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Will Mellor broke down in tears as he admitted he 'hated himself' and recalled his battle with depression following the death of his father and sister in his latest candid interview.
The actor, 50, lost his father Bill to cancer in April 2020, just two weeks after his diagnosis, and his sister Joanne died from a heart attack in 2012 at the age of 44.
Joanne was born with Marfan syndrome, a genetic connective tissue disorder, and was both mentally and physically disabled.
Will explained that during her life she had multiple health scares where they were told she was going to die.
However, in 2012 she returned from a restpite trip with a care company and two weeks later she died of a heart attack.
'I slipped into depression after that and I wasn't a good person,' recalled Will, as he opened up about her death on the recent episode of Fearne Cotton's podcast Happy Place.
Will Mellor broke down in tears as he recalled his battle with depression after the death of his father and sister
Joanne passed away in 2012 at the age of 44, and Will revealed: 'I slipped into depression after that and I wasn't a good person'
He explained: 'I just wasn't a good person to be around. I'm a positive person. You know me. I'm a live wire of I want to make everybody happy. I try and make everyone laugh.
'It's hard to talk about because looking back I couldn't help it. But I didn't even want to get out of bed. So that means I wasn't a positive person around my children.'
He added: 'I never thought I would find myself in that cloud and not see colour anymore.
'And I couldn't because I couldn't protect her anymore. I couldn't change it. That's what the killer is. Because I always thought, "Oh, I can fix things. I'll do anything to help people if I can". And I couldn't help her.
'I just did the wrong thing. Drinking, gambling, trying to find a high in life which sent me further down the hole. I hated myself for it. But I got through it. My wife got me through it.'
Fearne asked: 'What was that moment where you like, "Oh, I can cope slightly better now".'
'It was stopping the things that was making me worse, the drinking and going out and trying to pretend everything's all right. Because that's what I was very good at.
No one would have known if I'd have gone out to the pub. You'd have "Oh, Will's in great spirits". It's when I got home and I woke up the next morning in that cloud again,' said Will.
'But I didn't realise that what I was doing to myself, drinking and you know, gambling and whatever else just made me worse.
'So my wife sticking by me and going, "Come on, we're going to do this for the kids and being around the kids because they're my world and they're magic and they can they can do great things. Sorry, I'm very emotional. I'm sorry.
'I struggle with my emotions are just there on the surface all the time and I when I talk about these things, it's because I care and I can't help it.'
He said: 'It's hard to talk about because looking back I couldn't help it. But I didn't even want to get out of bed. So that means I wasn't a positive person around my children'
The actor's dad Bill died suddenly in April 2020 and Will was unable to comfort his grieving mother due to social distancing guidelines (pictured with his parents in 2017)
Will has previously claimed his sister was let down by her carers during a paid residential trip as she asked 'Am I going to die?' shortly before passing away from a heart attack.
He said that while she was away on a trip, the carer responsible for her care allegedly did not give her all the medication she needed and only gave her one tablet a day instead of her prescribed five.
Speaking to The Mirror the star alleged: 'He [the carer] told her she was a liar and didn't talk to her very nicely.
'And even though it was all written in black and white on the box, instead of giving her five a day, they gave her one a day.
'And she came back and said, 'am I going to die?' My mum went mad and we got hold of the company and she died a few weeks later of a heart attack.'
The Mellor family demanded an inquiry to find out whether carers had contributed to Joanne’s death by ignoring written instructions from her doctors
A 2013 inquest found Joanne had died of natural causes. The coroner said there was no evidence the bungled medication had caused Joanne’s death, but she told her family that what had happened was unacceptable.
The company that provided the holiday admitted a 'mistake was made', but Will has said that he and his family still have unanswered questions.
The Strictly star previously revealed how grief and guilt took a toll on him and how he has since become an advocate for mental health awareness.
Meanwhile in 2020, Will opened up about the devastating loss of his father and revealed the heartbreaking final exchange they shared.
Recalling the last time he saw his father, Will said on the Two Pints with Will & Ralf podcast: 'He sat in a chair outside the back door and I sat up the garden and I didn't hug him because of the coronavirus thing and he passed away without me doing that.
'He actually said to me "if I got hold of you I wouldn't be able to let go". That was one of the last things he said to me and it absolutely killed me.'
He said: 'If I knew then what I know now then I would have grabbed hold of him but I didn't, and that was the last time I saw him.
'He died within two weeks, he had another two seizures and he was getting worse and even though it's horrible to say he wanted to go, he knew the road would be really long.
'He said "I just want to go to sleep and not wake up".'
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