The Bizarre Children's Movie That Bruce Willis And Julia Roberts Starred In

Warner Bros.

If you take a look at the reviews collected on Rotten Tomatoes for 2002's "Grand Champion," you'll see a quote from Jeff Strickler's Minneapolis Star Tribune review which reads, "This low-key family drama is so hokey that its title character is named Hokey." That title character is, in fact, a calf who is indeed named Hokey? Why? Well, that would require having to actually see the movie, which unless you want to purchase this ill-fated family film on DVD, is almost impossible. "Grand Champion" has essentially become lost media, but unlike the numerous films only available on VHS that are very much worth watching, this doesn't sound very good at all.

Considering we're in the streaming age, where almost everything ever made is at our fingertips, it should tell you something about how hokey, exactly, "Grand Champion" is that it's not been made available since its modest DVD release. Described on its Amazon product page as "the tale of a spunky young boy named buddy & his prize-winning calf, hokey," who climb the ranks of Texas stock shows to "ultimately win the coveted title of grand champion," "Grand Champion" would have been completely consigned to Hollywood history had it not featured the likes of Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts.

Yes, "Grand Champion," with its 20% critic score based on five reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, includes appearances from two of the biggest stars ever to do it — and at the height of their popularity. How? Why? Does this mean we actually have to watch "Grand Champion?" Allow me to explain.

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Even the one "fresh" score for "Grand Champion" on Rotten Tomatoes comes from a review which is summed up by the line, "Doesn't leave you wishing you could get your money back." Well, that's something, I suppose. Otherwise, there's not much information available about this movie. According to reviews, the story sees poor old Hokey actually become the titular grand champ, only for Jacob Fisher's Buddy to find out that this essentially means his beloved cow been given a one way ticket to the slaughter house. Sounds like some good old family fare, doesn't it?

All of this only serves to make "Grand Champion" one of the more intriguing forgotten movies, especially since it somehow features Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts. The actual stars of this film are George Strait, Fisher, and Emma Roberts, the former of which went on to become a pretty darn successful country music star, apparently. Meanwhile, Emma Roberts continues to work to this day, and has built a pretty decent filmography for herself, while Fisher stopped acting in 2007 (according to his IMDb page). But there's no doubt "Grand Champion" is none of these three individuals' finest moments, which further raises the question of how and why Willis and Julia Roberts are in it.

You can see the two stars in the trailer for the film, which seems to suggest Roberts plays an affable receptionist of some sort named Jolene — which, considering she is Emma Roberts' aunt, makes at least some sense. As for Willis, he maybe plays the bad guy? It's not very clear, but at one point Buddy says Mr. Blandford is going to take Buddy home, suggesting Willis' character is the one looking to feed Hokey through the meat grinder. But by the end of the trailer, Willis is seen telling Buddy to take the dang cow home, so who knows.

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While Julia Roberts looks to have had a cameo appearance in "Grand Champion," Bruce Willis at least seems to have a somewhat significant role as the guy who takes poor Hokey from Buddy — which you'd think would give the producers the right to stick his name on the poster. Instead, neither of these two stars' names appear, which is probably for the best.

In 2002, Willis had yet to enter the phase of his career that saw him fronting middling action thriller after middling action thriller, and had recently starred in M. Night Shyamalan's "Unbreakable" — a superhero movie way ahead of its time. Meanwhile, Roberts' prior effort was 2001's "Ocean's Eleven." Funnily enough, Willis regretted turning down the villain role in that very George Clooney-led caper, which could have seen him and Roberts team up in a film that, going out on a limb, is probably a bit better than "Grand Champion." Anyway, the point is that both Willis and Roberts were really at the top of their game in 2002, making their appearances in this lost children's movie even more inexplicable.

Two years after "Grand Champion," the pair would reunite in 2004's "Ocean's Twelve," which saw Willis appear in a cameo role as himself in a great little scene that also saw Roberts playing a character playing Julia Roberts. As confusing as that may sound, you can bet it was a heck of a lot better than the pair's contributions to "Grand Champion," though having not seen the film it's perhaps unfair to make that call. Will I be buying the DVD to find out the truth? No.