Shirley Ballas 'blames herself' for her brother being alone the day he took his own life: 'I live with that'

Shirley Ballas has revealed she 'blames' herself for her brother being alone the day he died because she encouraged her mother to come to a show her son was in. 

The Strictly Come Dancing judge's brother David died by suicide aged 44 in 2003, and the ballroom star, 64, has spoken openly in the past about how he struggled with depression.

Speaking on the Great Company with Jamie Laing podcast, Shirley told how her brother had been struggling with his mental health and the family had previously tried to get him sectioned but he wouldn't go to the hospital.

She said: 'I was wrapped up in my life, because at that time, I had two other children I was taking care of, plus my own son, and they were all dancers, and I was just wrapped up in my world of ballroom dancing. 

'I was in London. He was up north, and my mother went to stay with him for six weeks. But my mother's old school, and they don't share. 

'So, what I should have done then, if I look back now, is gotten the car straight away and gone to see the situation for myself. He was just in a bad place. 

'He explained it like being in a dark, black hole that he couldn't climb out of. He'd lost a lot of weight, and the doctors couldn't help him. 

'We tried to get him sectioned, and when, apparently, I wasn't there, but my mum was. When they took him in the car and they pulled up to the hospital, he recognized somebody that was stood on the steps, and he was too he was the macho man on the housing estate, and he was too embarrassed, he made them turn the car around. 

'So had she not been there that day, then maybe things could have been different. And it just nobody talked about things like that. No one talked about things like that at all, and they just popped in with pills, you know, like these antidepressants.'

Shirley recalled how her son Mark was performing at St. Paul's in London and she invited her mother and brother down for the day to watch him. 

David, who lived with his mother at the time, didn't want to go but Shirley said she encouraged her mum to come along by herself anyway. 

Shirley said her mother didn't want to go but she 'pushed' her and will 'live with that' for the rest of her life.

She said: 'I still remember the morning it happened. I call my mum to say that Mark, my son, would be performing at St Paul's church in London, and maybe they both like to come down for the day. 

'And my brother said, no, no, no, no, I'm feeling much better now. But you go mum, and against her better judgment, she didn't want to go. 

'And I pushed her to go a little bit because she'd been there, you know, and was having this tough time. David didn't want to go, and it was that they chose to do that.

'So, for that, I will live with for the rest of my life. She blames herself, but I blame myself, because I was the one pushing her to go. She felt she shouldn't have left.'

Shirley tried contacting David later that evening and couldn't get through to him so called his former partner who went around to his house and found him. 

She said: 'He left a 10-year-old daughter, and of course, I couldn't get hold of him that night, so I called his ex-partner, and she went round, and she was the one who found him at the house with her son. 

'And then, of course, she died of alcoholism several years later. So, Mary lost both parents, so we've taken care of her. And she is, to me, she's a hero.    

'She's the most remote. She works for the NHS, and she's the most remarkable human being ever again, similar to me, you can play the victim, or you can think, this is what it is. Of course, it's difficult. This is what it is. And I want to be this person. 

'I have a short life, and this is what I want to be. This person should never give me a spot to bother ever in her entire life. So, and my brother raised her for the first 10 years of her life, so I think he did a good job.'

Shirley feels she is now a lot more educated on mental health issues and makes sure to check in on friends she hasn't heard from lately. 

She said: 'It doesn't need to be that way, though. You know, now, of course, I'm much more educated, and that's what was so great about Strictly, I love the job, but the platform it gives you to help people you know, and we get wrapped up in our own life, but if I don't hear from a friend or I think somebody's struggling, I then stop everything I'm doing, and then I will go around and sort of do my best to try to check in. 

'And I think that's what we can do, is we have to be more tuned in, listen more to what people are saying instead of yapping off that gob. 

'You know, a gob is that in the north thing. Gob, gob, gob, gob. Because that's what a lot of people do. They're so busy talking about themselves, they don't take a breath to listen to somebody else.'

'I think that we're in a new era now where people are more sharing. I mean, now I'm ambassador for Calm. So many people. I mean, I've just had friends who've lost their daughter. She was in her early 30s, and it's just horrendous. 

'I know so many people in different realms that have been affected by it. They know a friend or a family member or a child or something, and it's more prevalent that perhaps people have time to think about, but I think if we all would communicate more with each other and help each other a little bit more take a breath. 

'You know, I'm always trying to do that now as I'm getting older, just take a step back for a minute and breathe. You know, have a look at what's going on around you.'

If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org