Need a Dating App Cleanse? Try "Sit-at-the-Bar September"

Laura Cooper, aka your TikTok auntie, has spoken: this month, it's time to quit the dating apps and get yourself a comfortable seat at the bar. Cooper, a real estate agent who appeared on "The Real Housewives of New York City" in 2020, has since developed a social media following for her straightforward life advice.

The Brooklyn-born dating influencer recently made waves when she declared that we have officially entered "sit-at-the-bar September," encouraging her followers to find dates the old-school way instead of relying on apps and algorithms to land them a match.

"Hey girls, remember how I told you to get off the dating apps?" she asked her followers in the TikTok video. "It's about to be sit-at-the-bar September. Here it is." Cooper then rattled off a list of New York City bars that she says are good for sitting and looking approachable, including The Carlyle on the Upper East Side, Bar Pisellino in the West Village, and Emmett's on Grove.

It all sounds very romantic, but to state the obvious: this isn't the '70s anymore. Many of the same rules that once applied to dating are no longer relevant, whether it's who's expected to make the first move or pay for the date, or even how men and women are supposed to act. Looking back, dating before the digital era may appear to have a certain charm — after all, more rigid rules made the scene easier to navigate, as long as you played your designated role — but it was also deeply heteronormative and constructed on gender stereotypes that ultimately harmed women and forced them into a subordinate position, whether they wanted to be there or not.

Making connections today is not always as easy as demurely sipping a martini and flashing some leg in the low light of a hotel bar, though that might have worked in the past. Still, there are some lessons we can take from bygone eras, including this very simple one: get out of the house and introduce yourself to people IRL.

That said, sitting at a bar is one thing. Actually knowing what to do when you're there is another. Read on to check out our guide to sit-at-the-bar September, with some easy steps to get you started.

Step One: Find Your Spot(s)

Cooper has a never-ending list of cocktail bars, restaurants, and wine bars that she recommends for a flirty night out in New York City. But if you're based elsewhere, or have a different style or budget, you'll want to think a little outside the chic Manhattan box.

Wherever you are, it's best to have a few spots in your rotation where you feel comfortable and relaxed, preferably places with copious bar seating (extra points for a plush stool cushion) and nice staff that you trust. Depending on your personality, you might be drawn to elegant bars like the ones on Cooper's list, or dive bars with great music, sports bars, queer bars, or some mix.

Several commenters on Cooper's video inquired about options for the sober and sober-curious dating hopefuls out there. While sexy cafes are always an option (who's that gorgeous girl sitting alone and eating a croissant on that cozy couch?), keep your eyes peeled for a new wave of non-alcoholic bars popping up in major cities, like this one in LA.

Step Two: Make Some Goals (but Don't Hold Them Too Tightly)

The last thing you want is to end a night feeling disappointed because you didn't get anyone's phone number (or Instagram handle, let's be real). The purpose of your night out should be to have a nice time — if you're too narrowly focused on finding a date every time you step into a bar, you're bound to spend a lot of your time disappointed.

To help with that, you can set some goals that are easily attainable, and within your own control. For example, challenge yourself to introduce yourself to at least one new person. It doesn't even have to be someone you're attracted to, but it will help you get in the habit of being friendly with new people.

Step Three: Go Alone, and Be Prepared to Chat

There's no use in sitting at the bar hoping someone will come talk to you if you aren't prepared to engage in conversation. And while I have absolutely nothing against a girls' night out, surrounding yourself with a big group of friends might be a little intimidating for a stranger who wants to meet you. If you must have a buddy, keep the group to two or three people max.

To make yourself approachable, you don't necessarily need to spend the night with a grin on your face or make suggestive eye contact nonstop. But it's best to not spend the whole evening looking down at your phone. Make sure you occasionally scan the room, taking an extra beat on anyone you think is cute.

Also, lots of singles out there are getting crafty with their in-person dating hacks. Some have printed up their own "business" cards to hand out to strangers, with a photo or two of themselves plus their contact information. It's an easy way to pass along your info without having to stomach too much immediate rejection. And you get to flex your creativity!

Step Four: Have Fun (and Be Safe)

Look at you, out on the town! As always, if you're alone at a bar (and even if you're there with friends), be vigilant about the safety of your drinks. To be sure that no one tampers with or drugs your drinks, don't accept drinks from strangers and don't leave open drinks unattended.

Try to remember that you're taking yourself out on a date — and you're loving your own company. Even if you don't go home with a hottie, you put yourself out there, you got a break from your screens, you patronized a neighborhood spot, and you got yourself a delicious little treat.

Though Cooper's wisdom may skew a bit traditional, she firmly believes that women have more power in the dating game than we realize. "September is coming. Girls, forget the dating apps — get out there," she says in a post from August. "If enough of you stop using the dating apps, these guys are gonna have to come crawling on their knees to find you at the bar. Because that's where you're gonna be. Find that restaurant, find that barstool, cross your legs. These guys are gonna be out there looking, face-to-face."

Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is the associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she's covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.