'I probably wanted to die': Jason Isaacs reveals the tragic depths of his decades-long battle with drugs as he opens up on being 'bullied and humiliated' on film sets

Jason Isaacs has spoken about the dark depths of his drug battle and how he eventually got sober after years of struggling with addiction.

The British actor, 62, explained how he originally went to hypnotherapy for 'research' for a role, before opening up about how he was 'always high'.

He previously battled substance issues for decades before managing to turn his life around with the help of his loved ones and cutting alcohol and drugs out of his life.

Speaking on Josh Smith’s Great Chat Show podcast, Jason told how they discovered he had been 'trying to hurt' a younger version of himself during a regression session.

The White Lotus star said: 'I went to a hypnotherapist because I was doing a film about a detective who used hypnotherapy and regressed to childhood. So I went to a hypnotherapist, and I said, 'I'd love to do a regression session.

'And she went, "okay, great, that's easily done. What problems do you want to work on?" And I said, well, "if I'm to be honest with you, I'm an actor"

"I've come ready for research. I don't have any problems."... And I then said, well, "do we have a confidentiality thing between us, like with doctors? 

"I use drugs all the time"....She said "you're on drugs now?" And I went, '"yeah I'm always high or on something."

'She asked me to picture myself as a small child and there was a photograph I remember of me in my dad's office standing on a chair. 

'She said, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm about four"...  She said, "Go up to little Jason, put your arms around him and tell him that you love him and you're going to take care of him."

'And I thought for a second, I said, "no… I'm not going to lie to him… I don't love him. I'm not taking care of him. I'm trying to hurt him."

'So she brought me out of the trance and she went, 'what do you think that means?' I went, 'I think it means that I'm doing harm to myself all the time.'

Despite being a pivotal moment in Jason's sobriety journey, he admitted it wasn't until years later that he eventually managed to give up drugs for good. 

He explained: 'And so I'd like to say the great story would be then I went and got sober. I'm sober [now] meaning I go to 12 step groups and I stopped taking drink and drugs 27 years ago. I'd like to say that happened the next day. 

'It didn't. It was years. But I knew from every minute afterwards, every time I took a drug, every joint and pill, I knew that I wasn't doing it for fun. It wasn't going to make me the life of the party. I knew that was just how many more nails into my coffin.'

Explaining how he felt at the time, Jason said: 'My world just shrunk and the walls closed in. And all I wanted to be was alone with my heart barely beating. 

'I probably wanted to die, but I didn't want to commit suicide. I just didn't want to wake up anymore, or to live enslaved by substances. 

'And I didn't want the world to become clear. The weird thing is most people didn't know and I was working successfully. 

I just couldn't face anything at all and I wasn't young enough that people would go, "what a terrible waste of potential," or' "t was already too late for him to live fast or die young." 

'Other people have these very inspirational stories of, you know, slightly religious but I just couldn't go on. And I was going to live or die and so I reached out for a piece of floating wood.'

Elsewhere during the conversation, Jason touched on being bullied by directors on some film sets as he admitted he has been 'repeatedly picked on. 

'I was bullied a lot on film sets, too. There are certain directors who are notorious bullies and I have been the person who's been picked on over the years, and it's not happened for a long time, until quite recently. 

'And there was someone who decided they were going to try and humiliate me all the time. It was just their modus operandi, because they were threatened by me or I got on well with the crew, or I have been doing it for a long time. 

'But I am seasoned enough and comfortable enough in my own relationships with the rest of the crew that I could see, this person was just making themselves look like an idiot, and they were shouting at me when they were trying to insult me. 

'All the crew was thinking is, "what's the matter with that person? What? Actually, Jason's ideas are good and he's being, you know, respectful to everyone else."

Last year, Jason opened up on reaching 27 years of sobriety in a candid and inspirational post on the anniversary of his decision to get clean.

Taking to his Instagram in October, he wrote a rare and lengthy message to mark the milestone, reflecting on the first day of his sobriety journey back in 1998, and detailing how he'd managed to stay clean for the next 27 years.

He wrote: '27 years ago today the sun rose on the first 24 hours I’d had clean of drugs or alcohol in my entire adult life.

'I didn’t wake up that way because I didn’t wake up. I hadn’t gone to bed to keep away from temptation and to avoid tearing up my floorboards (again) or searching every item of clothing (again) - both surprisingly fruitful over the previous days - I'd spent the entire night naked in a high street sauna with a procession of bemused cab drivers.

'I had no idea how long it would last, but that morning, as I emerged blinging, pink and massively over-cooled, I felt something I hadn’t felt for decades. Hope. I’d got through one night. Who knew what was possible?'

'One step at a time, one day at a time, sometimes one hour, one deep breath, or even one inhumanly large bar of chocolate at a time, it's now 27 years.'

Addressing the reason he had decided to share the honest post to the public, Jason explained he hoped it would help others battling similar issues, by showing it was possible to turn their lives around. 

The Harry Potter star insisted that there was 'always a way back' no matter 'how far gone you think you are' and advised those struggling to reach out for help.

He wrote: 'Why am I telling you? Because whilst l've given up using social media platforms to try to fight the worst excesses of human and political behaviour, though most of what I see magnified on here is hatred posing as purpose, prejudice disguised as virtue and, most importantly, the total absence of nuance that comes from mob-think, it's just possible that you might be reading this and be unable to imagine, as I was, a different life for yourself.

'So I'm writing to say that it's possible. If you ask for help. You don't have to do it the way I did, but however far gone you think you are, however irreversible you think your situation is, there's always a way back. A way forward. A way back to the surface. Always. Just take the first baby step and surrender.'

Jason concluded the moving statement by voicing his gratitude to those who had helped him with his sobriety, insisting that he would have 'failed' without them, and that he had now learned to embrace the good and bad in life.

'Thank you to everyone who helped me and continues to help me try and stay sane in an insane world. Often just by laughing at me. It’s not false modesty or humility to say that I couldn’t have done it without you — I tried doing it by myself and failed every single time.

'I’m so grateful to be present in life, even for the awful things, the painful things, the scary things. I ran from them before and now, sometimes, not always, I run at them. I show up. Good luck. You can do it.'

Jason's post received a flood of supportive comments from his followers, celebrity friends and former co-stars. 

Patrick Schwarzenegger and Sam Nivola, who played Jason's sons on The White Lotus, led the praise, with Sam gushing: 'I love you Jase ❤️' while Patrick shared a heart emoji. 

Taylor Lautner wrote: 'Love you man thank you for sharing this', while actress Sharon Lawrence added: 'Your sobriety is certainly an achievement you fought for and you are a gift to us all.'

Sherwood star and pal David Morrissey wrote: 'Congratulations mate', while Rachel Hurd-Wood - who starred as Jason's daughter Wendy Darling in the 2003 adaptation of Peter Pan - also took to the comments to share a raised hands emoji in support.

His former Good Sam co-star Travis Van Winkle penned: 'This is incredible. Thanks for sharing', while Martha Plimpton, Jason's onscreen wife in 2021 drama Mass, commented: 'Happy birthday, pal.❤️'

Artist and husband of Elton John, David Furnish, was full of praise writing: 'Inspirational words. Bravo on 27 years of sobriety' and actor James D'Arcy added: 'Massive congratulations Jason. What a beautiful milestone.❤️'

Back in 2020, Jason spoke candidly about his 'decades-long love affair with drugs' in a series called Letter to My Younger Self in The Big Issue, where he revealed his issues began with heavy partying as a teenager.

He wrote: 'I’ve always had an addictive personality and by the age of 16 I’d already passed through drink and was getting started on a decades-long love affair with drugs.'

The star said his actions were 'filtered through a burning need I had for being as far from a conscious, thinking, feeling person as possible,' and that 'no message would get through for nearly 20 years.'

Jason opened about how he initially got drunk off of whiskey at the young age of 12, which led to immediate consequences.

He recalled: 'The barman, who we thought at the time was a hero and I now realize belonged in prison, sneaked us a full bottle of Southern Comfort. 

'We drank the entire thing in the toilet, then staggered out into the party, reeling around farcically.

'I vomited, fell on and pulled down a giant curtain, snogged a girl, God bless her… ran out into the street, vomited again, tripped, smashed my head open on the pavement and gushed blood all over my clothes.'

The Golden Globe-nominated confessed that despite feeling immense shame the following day, he was already on a destructive path.

He said: 'The next morning, I woke up with a splitting headache, stinking of puke with a huge scab and the memory of having utterly shamed myself. All I could think was… I cannot f***ing wait to do that again. 

'Why? I’ve no idea. Genes? Nurture? Star sign? I just know I chased the sheer ecstatic joy I felt that night for another 20 years with increasingly dire consequences.'

The OA star said he had a turnaround moment when he realized how addicted he was, and how it had impacted the way he was viewing the world.

'I remember there being a moment, not long before I got clean, when it suddenly occurred to me that if everybody I knew died, literally every single person, I probably wouldn’t mind that much,' he said. 

Jason continued: 'In fact, I might like it, because then it would be an excuse to sit in a room by myself and take drugs and everybody else would say, 'Well you know, fair enough, you heard what happened didn’t you?"'

After sobering up, he came to realise that it wasn't 'true and never was' as he was always a loving and caring person.

'The drugs weren’t a way of dealing with that sense of distance,' he said, 'the drugs were causing it.'

Earlier this year, Jason admitted he 'liked not being himself' during decades-long addiction battles, explaining he relied on drugs and alcohol because he felt 'uncomfortable' in his own skin.

Opening up to Rob Brydon on the Brydon & podcast, he said: 'I liked being out of it, it was fun at first because it made me feel less other.

'I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I always felt as if I was faking being with people, that they all seemed to be more comfortable.

'When we were all high, or drunk, or whatever it was, we were all in the same state, it was an equalizer. And I loved the equalizer.'

He confessed that while his substance abuse was detrimental to his personal life, it didn't impact his career, with him even able to 'sense' which other actors would 'get high with me'.

He said: 'Not only didn’t it get in the way of work, I was working at a very high level, on stage and on camera - my career was great.

'It was the personal life that wasn’t great. I haven’t taken drugs for 25 years. It’s one of those professions, it may be less tolerant now, I don’t see it now. 

'I used to have a sixth sense for it, I could be on a set and know immediately who would be the people that wanted to take drugs with me, or get high with me, or have adventures with me.'

For confidential advice about drugs and addiction, you can talk to FRANK at [email protected], message 82111 or call 0300 123 6600.

If you are struggling with alcohol abuse or addiction, you can contact Alcohol Anonymous at 0800 917 7650 / [email protected] for help.