Floops Big House Adventure is a Nickelodeon Saturday morning gross-out shooter

“90's references galore!”

I won an awful board game from Nickelodeon once. I say “won”. Actually, I got disconnected phoning into a competition line after I’d gotten through, got upset loudly, my mum called them to complain, they fast tracked me to the next competition thing, I got the quiz answer wrong, and the presenter pretended he’d heard the right answer and pulled a prize out of the big prize bucket. It was a copy of The Game of Life, possibly the least exciting board game a child can win.

The game was dog water, and there’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about how cool and good it is to whine until you get free things, but we don’t have time for that. Instead, I’d like to draw your attention to Floops Big House Adventure. It’s a grungy, slimy, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters meets Ren and Stimpy Saturday morning shooter. Some of you will already hate it from the header screenshot, I imagine. Personally, the art drew me right in.

It’s pretty simple as far as the shooting of it all goes. Horrible little bastards come at from all angles, and you do gun violence at them with a selection of collectable weapons. Floop farts when you get hit, and his life is measured out in tacos, to paraphrase T.S Eliot. Shoot enough horrible little bastards, and a horrible big bastard shows up.

There’s some hopping hairball freaks that look perpetually pained until they jump, at which time their agonised gaze twists into a faint flatulence smile, as if temporarily relieved from crippling joint pain. There’s some Bart Vs The Space Mutants-ass tentacle blobs. There’s an upgrade shop ran by a smoking, anus-headed gentlemen named Bob.

I played with mouse and keyboard, but it’s a little stiff like that, so controller is the way to go here - it gets more bullet-hellish as you progress. So say the Steam page:

• Fast runs - Floops can be beat in under 20 minutes!
• Retro Saturday morning cartoon action!
• Nostalgic Nickelodeon art style!
• 90's references galore! Spot them all throughout Floops House.
• Random waves will have you on your toes as cartoon mayhem erupts. Learn the various enemies attacks and patterns to rack up the high score!
• Item synergies and boosts await! Try them all to see what unique combos you can come up with.
• Hardcore Mode! Defeat the game with healing restrictions to test your mettle.
• Fun costumes to equip!

20 minutes, you say! That’s just enough time to eat several massive bowls of cereal and a couple of lollipops marketed as Too Sour To Handle unless you’re a real enough dude. I actually don't miss the 90's at all, now I think about it.