Buddy, if you’re only buying two lousy packs you can leave my TCG Card Shop Simulator store immediately

While I’ve been known to enjoy a few of them in my time, I tend to view a lot of more mundane simulator games in the same way I view sports games: Looks fine, but I could do this stuff in real life, were I inclined and also social and also vaguely limber instead of owning a spine with roughly the flexibility of a rib n’ saucy Nik Nak.

Similarly, the currently popping-off on Steam TCG Card Shop Simulator - in its digitisation of a hobby-within-a-hobby-within-a-third-place - feels vaguely like the sort of thing that would have made Baudrillard violently shit himself to death. Still, as someone who frequently fantasises about having a.) a killer deck, b.) lots of mates and c.) a good enough understanding of maths to crush those mates into the dust so hard that they never know joy again, I was intrigued enough to give it ago. 20,000 concurrent players can’t be wrong! We, uh, we don’t talk about the banana game.

The basic idea here is that you run a collectible card shop selling a come-at-me-brotendo -branded TCG named Tetramon. You order in some boxes, enjoy a lovely ‘pop’ sound as you arrange booster packs on your shelf, set a price, then open doors. Customers come in, you check out their orders, and I have to say: I’m already starting to see why people dig this one. Every little action feels tuned just so, with everything from scanning packs to giving change accompanied by ear-tickling sound effects. Dinged point: you have to count out change individually, but trying to be a short-changing rapscallion isn’t an option, which would have been fun. What I can say: the music is so carefree and cheerful that it put me in the mood for crime!

I especially wanted to crime the header guy. Two packs?! Get outta here! You get out too!

Image credit: OPNeon/Rock Paper Shotgun

The other side of the game is collecting the cards yourself. I love how this characterises your owner as a little card weasel, rapidly shooing off customers so you can get your grubby mitts on more shinies. My first card was a happy onion named ‘Sapoling’. He’s got 22 health and I’ve got no idea if that’s good yet, but I’m sure he deserves every point. I did notice a nightmarish little wrinkle, though: it tells you the monetary value of every card as you reveal it. Is this what we’ve been reduced to? Can we no longer derive joy from cracking packs for their own sake, but merely from the amount of currency they can be exchanged for? What happened to…

Image credit: OPNeon/Rock Paper Shotgun

Wait shut up I got a shiny Nimblis! $5.73 baby! Honey, come quick: we’re eating the good cocoa pops tonight!

You get your own digital binder to collect your cards, and this works as a sort of sub-objective running in tandem to the management stuff, since you can only stock high-level boosters once you’ve upgraded your shop. As you go, you’ll also get more furnishings, play tables, things of that nature. And, yes, the game couldn’t help itself: some of your customers have giant green cartoon stink clouds that effect the experience of your other customers. Missed opportunity for a Powerwash Simulator minigame, imo.

There’s a prologue on Steam if you want to try it out, and even from just a brief piss about, I’m starting to understand the attention it’s getting. It’s nicely made, pleasant, and nostalgic in all the right ways. You can even leave the shop and go for a wander, although there is an invisible wall that stops me going to buy cheap pizza, which I consider an act of violence.