"Baby Shower Blues" Were the Pregnancy Side Effect I Didn't Expect

The 18-inch balloons were too big after all. It was the morning of my baby shower and the car was moderately packed with flowers, drinks, and sandwich boxes when my husband approached with these comically large balloons in shades of pastel green, blue, and pink. The day prior, Rob had texted me from the Dollar King to confirm the balloons would be fine, since they're bigger than average, and I wrote, "Oh! OK! Should be fine."

It wasn't fine, but we managed to wrestle nearly all nine balloons into the backseat and even the trunk. (One flew away and one quickly lost its helium.) With every turn, the entire car squeaked as the latex rubbed together. Rob caught a photo of me with one of the pink balloons on my lap, competing with my baby bump. It's a sweet photo, and I'm smiling in it, but in the moment, I wanted to cry.

The truth is, I had baby shower blues. I had been struggling leading up to the celebration, and I was trying to shake those emotions as best I could as we made the 20-minute drive to my friend's house in Angelino Heights, where the shower would be taking place. When we arrived, another balloon popped on the metal fencing as we brought them into the backyard.

It didn't start out that way: when we first began planning the shower a few months prior, I was appropriately excited, enthusiastic even. Since we live in Los Angeles and far from family, I assumed we'd plan it ourselves and keep the event intimate, with just local friends in attendance; more of a sprinkle, if you will. We'd have sandwich platters, play one game, and eat my favorite strawberry cake. Simple.

At some point, however, and I'm not sure why, I decided to do a cursory search on baby shower etiquette and whether it's common for expecting couples to host one themselves. Reddit quickly informed me it is, in fact, quite gauche. Oh dear.

But there was no time to pivot, of course. I didn't want to hand off the responsibility and ask a family member to plan from afar. Plus, I'm the first in my group of friends to have a baby, meaning no one else was really even sure what a shower entails. And so, even though I knew the reasons why it was more practical to do it ourselves, from that point on, I fended off feelings of embarrassment and self-pity.

Admittedly, our timing also wasn't great: we had chosen Mother's Day as the date for the shower, thinking it would be fitting and cute — a wink to my forthcoming role. In reality, that meant several friends wouldn't be able to make it because, well, they had to spend the day with their own mothers, understandably.

You know how some people dread their birthday and always end up crying over the gifts, cake, and added attention? Well, I never quite understood that. I love my birthday! But for some reason, with my shower, I understood, and all the gifts, cake, and attention suddenly felt overwhelming.

I've tried to reflect on why.

At play here are, of course, all the pregnancy hormones running amok. These days, I start crying if the wind looks at me the wrong way. While I hate to live up to the stereotype and therefore avoid blaming much of anything on fluctuating hormones, it's a factor that's hard to ignore.

As the day approached, I also found myself really missing my family. I could rationalize it up and down and wholly understand why it just wasn't realistic or feasible or possible — with the distance being what it is — but that didn't change the longing. I wished they could be there, is all. (Before you begin to feel bad for me, I should note that many family members will travel to be here for the baby's actual birth, which is far and away more significant.)

But there was another big why. As much as the shower was a celebration of a new chapter, it also signified the end of another. I am so excited to become a mom and embrace all the ways it will radically inform, affirm, and change my life, but I liked my old life, too, and I think a part of me was grieving that one.

Though these feelings were all bubbling beneath the surface, I will say that it was a pretty great day. Friends mingled, ate, and suggested baby names — some more serious than others. (Safe to say we will not be going with "Chicken.") It was simple, as planned, but I was glad we did it, and I would have likely regretted not doing it at all.

In one of my favorite photos from the shower, Rob is cutting the cake as eager friends stand around. One of our oldest friends is standing between us, after joking about how they were our first child. Everyone's laughing and I look so happy — and I was, despite it all.

When we came home, Rob and I immediately began putting things back into place. We stowed away decor until the next party, tablecloths were thrown in the hamper, gifts were unboxed and organized, and after recapping the day over dinner, we enjoyed another slice of strawberry cake in comfortable silence, and it was perfect.

Kelsey Garcia (she/her) is the associate content director of PS Balance, where she oversees lifestyle coverage, from relationships to parenting to financial wellness. Kelsey is passionate about travel, dating trends, and changes in the workplace. Before joining the PS team as an editorial assistant in 2015, she interned at Elle and Harper's Bazaar, among other publications.