Are You Experiencing or Promoting Toxic Positivity in Your Mind or Relationships?

With the stress of the holiday season upon us, and particularly during such a time of change, many people may face higher levels of toxic positivity than usual. When you're dealing with negative emotions, and everyone keeps telling you to be positive, it can have the opposite effect. It's no surprise to many of us that examples of toxic positivity seem to be on the rise during this holiday and New Year season. 

I spoke with Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele, to discuss the impacts of toxic positivity, what it is and what we might be able to do about it.  

What is toxic positivity?

"Toxic positivity generally involves dismissing negative emotions in favor of focusing only on those that are positive," said Leno. If you talk to someone having a hard time but only express positivity in return, setting aside their true feelings, they are likely suffering from toxic positivity. 

We can apply this to ourselves or each other, and it is often learned as a social trait. For instance, you may have heard phrases like "Toughen up; it isn't that bad" or "Just smile and get through it." These phrases aren't necessarily always used as toxic positivity; communication can have heavy nuance, but the ideas contained within these phrases are strongly representative of how toxic positivity can manifest.

In many cases, toxic positivity may be a form of gaslighting as well. The American Psychological Association defines "gaslight" as "to manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences or understanding of events." Suppose you attempt to make yourself or another person feel irrational and unreasonable for having negative emotions instead of positive ones. In that case, you may be engaging in both toxic positivity and gaslighting.  

"When toxic positivity is used in a relationship, it may resemble gaslighting, as partners may use it to control and manipulate circumstances," said Leno.

Brightsiding is a similar phenomenon to toxic positivity, but not always as extreme. They are often used synonymously, but brightsiding can also express a situation where the negative emotions are downplayed but not ignored. In contrast, toxic positivity tends to exert more pressure to fully disacknowledge negative emotions in favor of positive ones. Leno said these two phenomena are very similar: "They discourage real emotions and may cause one to feel emotionally constricted. They don't want to deal with your 'negative' emotions, so they discourage you from discussing them."

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How does positivity turn toxic?

It can often be difficult for people to realize the depth of their own emotions. Leno says positivity can become toxic "when it is used to mask real emotions." She further goes on to highlight how this can stifle a person and lead to more negativity rather than less. "Pretending that you are happy when you are not can make you feel overwhelmed and anxious … The internal tension, however, will grow until there is a resolution. How you feel is bound to manifest behaviorally or physically (or both)," she said.

Signs of toxic positivity

Toxic positivity is focused on dismissing the negative in favor of the positive, even when it's unrealistic to do so (especially when it's unrealistic). As a result, most of the indications of toxic positivity are going to reflect this pattern of avoidance and redirection. How these signs reveal themselves in others versus ourselves or our environment, like a workplace, can vary but are all thematically similar. The primary difference becomes who is initiating the toxic positivity and who is the target. We can do this to ourselves and each other and receive this from our environment (think of workplace encouragement posters). 

Leno listed the following signs of toxic positivity:

• "Inability to accept one's feelings as they are." This is a strong indication in ourselves that we are applying toxic positivity internally and not allowing for our negative emotions.
• "Feeling uncomfortable with your emotions." This is a difficult one as many emotions are challenging, and many people feel uncomfortable with their feelings. Yet, if this discomfort leads you to trivialize your negative emotions and overstate your positive ones instead, then you are likely pressuring yourself with toxic positivity.
• "Dismissing another person's experience because it feels negative." If a person dismisses your experience purely because it is negative, they are likely applying toxic positivity. The idea that your experience should be inherently positive without allowance for the possibility of negativity is a strong example of toxic positivity.
• "Accusing a person of being too sensitive or not having thick skin because they are upset." Implying that a person is inferior or "not strong enough" because of a negative experience or emotion is peak toxic positivity. The idea here is to effectively shame and shun someone for experiencing anything less than positive, which is, itself, quite toxic.

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The effects of toxic positivity

Toxic positivity can have a range of effects, generally negative, as ironic as that may be. According to Leno, people experiencing toxic positivity may "feel ignored, inferior, and irrelevant … It can cause or exacerbate anxiety and depression. It can decrease our ability to cope because we essentially walk around pretending that nothing is wrong. Others may perceive our interactions as fake and facade-like."

In an individual, this can lead to avoidance of emotional growth and contribute to times of heightened duress. No matter how much we avoid our emotions, they will find a way to manifest. In general, the sooner we begin processing them, the better. 

In a relationship, toxic positivity can easily contribute to relationship imbalances, gaslighting and an avoidance of doing difficult emotional work together. As a result, the bonds of that relationship may be weaker than otherwise, and the overall health of the relationship and individuals may suffer. In a workplace, toxic positivity can increase the rate of worker burnout, requiring a degree of emotional perfection that doesn't exist.

In each situation, toxic positivity can reduce the functionality and well-being of those involved.

"While encouraging someone to consider positive aspects of a situation seems harmless at a glance, rejecting their current feelings may cause them to feel more frustrated," Leno said. "Venting is a way of emotional processing. We need to feel our feelings and know that they are valid."

How to cope with toxic positivity

When it comes to coping with toxic positivity, Leno says, "It is OK to embrace positivity but not at the risk of authenticity. First, acknowledge the issue. Second, consider your feelings. Finally, think of possible solutions." This recipe can help individuals to face and process their negative emotions and experiences while striving towards positivity, but without mandating it or denying their difficulties.

Leno said that when faced with toxic positivity, "Being direct is best. If someone suggests you deny your emotions, let them know that does not work for you. We can also state, 'I notice this is making you uncomfortable, and I will not talk to you about it.'" The trick here involves maintaining enough space for yourself while allowing space for others. In essence, you are entitled to your feelings, and so are they, but neither of you is entitled to dictate the others' feelings. The line between policing actions and emotions is often tricky, but it should be discernible with effort.

If your experience of toxic positivity grows severe enough, you may want to speak with a mental health expert. Leno told me that signs of reaching this point "include high anxiety, sadness, fatigue, avoidance, inability to cope with even mild stress or change and difficulty being around others because they are not 'happy' enough..."

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Alternatives to toxic positivity

With toxic positivity being such an obvious one to avoid, we should consider some alternative approaches to our emotions that may encourage healthier outcomes. These will involve intentionally experiencing and processing our negative feelings and experiences. They will also focus on moving toward the positive. However, the difference between a healthy and open pursuit of the positive versus toxic positivity is critical. That difference is contained mainly within whether one faces and processes the negative on the way to the positive or attempts to suppress and ignore the negative in favor of the positive.

Feel your emotions, good or bad

"Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, good or bad, is healthier than trying to suppress them," said Leno. The idea here is that no matter what we're going through and experiencing, we must acknowledge it and work through it. When we ignore or suppress our feelings, they don't really go anywhere. They still affect us on several levels, but we become less capable of noticing because we have internally stated that these feelings don't exist. 

You may have noticed that when you decide to be a certain way emotionally, it doesn't tend to work out smoothly. We don't get immediate and direct control of our emotions. In many ways, emotions are internal processes that happen to us and are things to be experienced rather than dictated.

However, we can skew our experiences in the long term by doing healthy emotional labor. When we face and process our experiences, we maintain a healthier emotional baseline with less buildup of the negative and with less self-applied pressure. This creates an internal environment that is more conducive to positive experiences. In short, allowing yourself to honestly experience your negative emotions may result in you having more authentically positive feelings in the long term.

Although there are several ways people talk about having a healthy relationship with your emotions as a healthier alternative to toxic positivity, they all boil down to the same basic idea: feel your emotions, good or bad. Some approaches, like therapy or meditation, may have unique structures that help individuals with these goals, but all healthy alternatives to toxic positivity share the same focus.

The bottom line

Toxic positivity is when a person focuses on the positive while avoiding the negative to such an extreme that negative experiences may be considered a violation. We can apply toxic positivity to ourselves and each other and even instill it into our social environments. 

The core problem with toxic positivity is that it focuses on avoiding a broad spectrum of real emotions in favor of denial, suppression and the enshrinement of inauthentic positivity. The long-term consequences of this can be detrimental to individuals, relationships and groups at many levels. A healthier alternative to toxic positivity involves experiencing our feelings, good or bad, and allowing ourselves to see and process them authentically.