10 Quotes That Prove The Witcher’s Geralt Is Gaming’s Funniest Character

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is quite a dialogue-heavy action-RPG, even if a lot of that dialogue is optional. Unlike some RPGs, though, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt’s storytelling and writing are so spectacular that it’s hardly a chore to listen to all these lines of dialogue. It helps a great deal that each quest or encounter in the game can run a tonal gamut, leaping from witty humor to depressing morality.

None of that would land as well as it does if it wasn’t for The Witcher 3's phenomenal protagonist, who is scripted to have his own responses to the world around him and the people he comes across within it. Dialogue is an enormous aspect of what makes The Witcher 3's Geralt of Rivia such a funny and endearing character, and some quotes have gone on to become memes of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt or distilled, iconic representations of the mutant Wolf School witcher.

“Lambert, Lambert - what a prick.”

Geralt proves how skilled a poet he is to The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt’s Lambert, a naysayer whom Geralt recites this amusing limerick about. If nothing else, this single line of dialogue is proof of how quick-witted and nimble Geralt is, whether he’s pirouetting in an elegant dance of blades and blood or conversing with a fellow witcher when passing the time on a boat ride.

“I hate portals.”

Portals are to Geralt what sand is to Star Wars’ Anakin Skywalker, and it’s a similarly funny running gag in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt that Geralt will grovel and groan whenever he finds himself having to teleport via portals.

Geralt’s fear of portals is not irrational at all, considering his knowledge of “several cases where people had entered a portal and never been seen again,” as per The Witcher’s Last Wish, much less portals having the potential to cut their passengers in half. Plus, his heightened senses make him exceptionally susceptible to nausea when traversing through portals.

“Damn, you’re ugly.”

Some of Geralt’s best lines of dialogue are those that players hear randomly during The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt combat. How funny this specific line is depends entirely on the context of the combat encounter, and who or what Geralt is drawing a sword to slay, but there are certainly countless monsters—both human and beast—that are deserving of his declaration of disgust, such as water hags, rotfiends, and botchlings.

For instance, Geralt might randomly call a group of bandits he happens across ugly, and it’s comical that this line would be the last thing a loot-hoarding thug hears before he’s set ablaze with a cast of The Witcher 3’s Igni sign or decapitated in a cinematic finishing blow.

“Well, Steingrim, I don’t like you. In fact, I feel like slapping you.”

Geralt is not one to mince words, and he’s not afraid of letting his fists or swords do the talking when words no longer suffice in any encounter, no matter how hard players try to defuse the situation. Part of what makes him so likable is that he says what’s on his mind, acts the way that he feels he should, and defends his loved ones at any given moment.

Unsurprisingly, that means anyone who is foolish enough to insult Yennefer to his face (let alone someone who was about to rob him as he washed ashore on The Witcher 3’s Ard Skellig) is owed a swift beating. It also emboldens players to know that, as a genetically augmented witcher, Geralt can substantiate whatever brutalities he threatens someone with.

“What the f*** was that?”

Geralt is accustomed to and experienced in slaying all manner of abhorrent, fell creatures that he has an encyclopedic knowledge of in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. That’s why, when he defeats the Hearts of Stone expansion’s Caretaker and exclaims, “What the f*** was that,” players know that the relict they just slew was a truly enigmatic and terrifying foe.

Few enemies rattle Geralt like this, making the Caretaker tremendously memorable as a boss in The Witcher 3, if its lack of a countenance wasn't frightening enough to make it stick in your memory regardless.

“I’m a witcher, not a gigolo.”

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt’s Keira Metz is essentially the game’s introduction to how much of a silver-tongued devil Geralt can be when it comes to characters who are potential love or lust interests, depending on the dialogue options players select when talking to them. This line represents how players can be forward and reject what seem to be romantic/sexual advances on Keira’s part.

This line can also end up being highly ironic or hypocritical, depending on how promiscuous players are for the rest of their playthrough. With romance options like Yennefer of Vengerberg, Triss Merigold, Madame Sasha/Carthia van Canten, Jutta an Dimun, Shani, and Sylvia Anna/Syanna, not to mention any courtesans the player and Geralt indulge in, The Witcher 3 has no shortage of options.

“Witcher mutations. They strip us of emotion. I’d be jumping for joy otherwise.”

This is a funny quote, to be sure, as it further demonstrates how sarcastic Geralt is, but it’s also quite poignant. When they aren’t drawing silver swords for coin, witchers are endlessly combating prejudice in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt’s Continent.

Though they are drastically affected by the mutations they endure and the potions they imbibe, witchers are not devoid of emotion, and Geralt merely expresses his emotions in ways other than “jumping for joy,” sometimes by drawing steel swords.

“Guess you’d know - since your mom’s a b****.”

Geralt is as lethal with a blade as he is with his words—even more dangerous with his words, debatably—and that’s never truer than when battling Master Mancomb in Toussaint during the “Fists of Fury” questline in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - Blood and Wine. This line is doubly hilarious because Geralt is meant to win this roast by rhyming, and circumvents that task completely in order to twist the knife before the duel has even begun.

Moreover, this little duel in Toussaint is an interesting wrinkle in a quest that traditionally involves players physically sparring with unarmed opponents. Players who don’t want to play Mancomb’s game and match his rhymes, choosing instead to settle things with Geralt’s fists, will ultimately miss out on one of the best and most biting lines of dialogue Geralt has in all The Witcher 3.

“You smell wonderful at this funeral.”

Geralt isn’t one for discretion or subtlety, nor is he great at reading a room. He is, however, an incredible charmer, and his dry humor is capable of slicing through any sort of solemnity, particularly with Geralt and Yennefer attending King Bran’s funeral at Kaer Trolde.

It’s the fact that he risks being scolded by committing so wholly to delivering the compliment and being funny, as he cannot help but gush about her. The apparent inappropriateness of the compliment, as basic as it is, makes it such a compelling dialogue option to choose in this moment, and it’s so like Geralt to say something like that.

Honorable Mention: “Why men throw their lives away attacking an armed witcher… I’ll never know. Something wrong with my face?”

Geralt is equal parts dangerous and hilarious; if he had a third sword strapped to his back, it’d surely be his deadly punchlines. Both traits shine radiantly in this quote, and there’s always a kernel of truth or discernment in everything witty Geralt has to say in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. That might be the secret ingredient that ensures nearly any line of his dialogue can be quotable, and it's as a significant portrait of his character throughout CD Projekt Red’s open-world fantasy action-RPG.